He’s perfect, so why can’t I relax? April 8, 2013
I’m never not scared. I cry often. Thinking of babies who didn’t make it, seeing a soother from when we were in the hospital, tiny baby clothes, these things all make me break down. Oliver, in all his health, beauty and loveliness, makes me cry. He’s happy. He’s healthy. But I can’t help but add “for now” in my head. Reherniation, scoliosis, pneumonia, these are all big fears in my life. Every time he whimpers I get scared. When he coughs I spiral in to terror. If he sits funny I start worrying about metal rods. You see a happy healthy baby, I see my entire universe teetering on the edge of a disaster.
He is so wonderful, so sweet, so perfect, that I cry just thinking of what he had to go through. Why does he only get to have one lung? Will he be able to play at the park with his friends? His left nub is not growing, will this bend his spine so much that he feels deformed? What if he gets an infection and goes from being happy, healthy and normal to needing oxygen around the clock? I know I can’t let these fears consume me, so we go out. When we’re out it’s hard to think. I try to keep myself distracted all the time. But then I get tired, and so do the kids. We stay home to rest and I get overwhelmed. It’s not easy loving someone so much.
Tim was happy the other day because Oliver got a tooth, and that’s normal. He just wants Oliver to be normal. I put on my knowing voice and reminded him that wanting Ollie to be normal is like wanting Poppy to be a boy. He’s not normal, he’s special. But I was faking it. I hope he can feel normal too.
I know I should be enjoying how perfect things are, and a lot of the time I am. If things became less perfect I’d be sad I wasted this perfect time feeling anxious instead of enjoying it. But knowing I should do something and actually doing it are very different. I love him so much it scares me.
Sorry this is not my usual upbeat post, I am just trying to stay honest. Oliver is perfect. 18 lbs of constantly happy adorableness. He waves and claps and gives high fives and laughs hysterically when you spray him in the face. He sleeps and eats and puts up with me. He’s incredible. We are so lucky. Xo