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The Aftermath of War? Aug 29, 2012

August 30, 2012

So this is insane but I think THIS might be the hard part. That’s insane, right? I’m insane for feeling like that, right? How ungrateful of me. I kind of hate myself for feeling like this. I’m probably just tired. Sleepovers with Ollie don’t involve much sleep (he sleeps, the incredible nurses don’t). Or maybe it’s just the reality of Tim going back to work tomorrow that’s hitting me. I’m going to really miss him and Poppy. So it’s probably not as hard as it feels. But it feels hard.

You know when there’s a war, and there’s all kinds of adrenaline for the soldiers, and battles are lost and won and it’s hard but exciting? Then after, the winning soldiers have to rebuild the nation. And that part is hard and boring and slow and painful. You won. It’s not life and death anymore. But it sucks now. You can’t go home yet. You’ve won but you’re still stuck there. That’s kind of how this feels. There’s no more adrenaline coming. That part is over, and that is SO awesome, but I feel like I’m running on empty.

I’m going to do this, I’m going to get through this, it’s going to be fine, heck it’s going to be great when it ends! Its great now! He’s alive, he made it, its a miracle! But it’s been 60 days and 60 days is a lot of days. I want my Oliver to eat and come home and come to the park with me and Poppy. I want to strap him to my back while I make dinner. I want to smile at him as I go to sleep and then roll over and kiss my husband, not text him from across town. You know? Sorry I’m being so whiney. I’m embarrassed that I’m being such a brat. But I want to be honest.

Oliver had a good day today. He’s adorable, for starters, and is Captain Smiley Pants these days. I love when babies start smiling, it’s like a reward for the rough newborn part with all the tough adjustments. Oliver’s newborn period was pretty hard, but his smiles are a pretty great reward! He’s been eating around 30 mls (goal 70) today with two barfs. He can’t barf though, so the Respirology team wants to increase his reflux meds to make it stop. When babies barf they breathe a little of it in, and Ollie doesn’t have any lung to spare so he can’t. Hopefully the meds will solve it!

Sorry for the whiney ungrateful post. Xo

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24 Comments
  1. Susan Kwolek permalink

    Alex: no worries!! you’re just tuckered out and your body has used up all its adrenaline. All that’s left is the whine.LOL. Its hard to be patient and I know you want to get home. But all in good time! You want to make sure he gets what he needs so he can feed and grow and be well. I am thinking of you and I know you will be as strong as you need to be
    Sue

  2. Joan Tyler. permalink

    I feel for you darling Alex……but now it is time to count your blessings and thank God that Oliver is getting well. You have been so extremely brave and it is natural to feel down when you are tired Get a good sleep and you will feel better. Praying for you and yours continuously.

  3. Julie Wajcman permalink

    Home stretch, girl. Your strength is incredible. It’s almost over and soon enough Oliver’s giggle will fill your home and family of four!
    You can do this. You’re already doing it, and you’re allowed to want. No sorry needed for expressing your simple desires. Sending you and Tim lot’s of love. xoxo

  4. My darling girl, it is hard running on empty for anyone. It’s like hangry, but way more emotional. Hang in there. I know you can. Sending lots of love to you. And your honesty is inspiring. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

    Love xo

  5. Valerie permalink

    Galations 6:9….hang in there!!!!

  6. Touched by your story permalink

    Consider too that on top of exhaustion, your post-birth hormones might also be in flux. Both are valid reasons to be grouchy and whiney, while neither require apologies to us or even to yourself. Embrace the reality of what you have been through – there’s some entitlement that goes along with that. You are entitled to want to be at home! Listen to me a complete stranger giving you advice – so I apologize for that. Just wanting to send some positive energy your way. Hoping that this phase will be short. Home stretch. Try to get some rest.

  7. lyn permalink

    Lets see, sleep deprivation, hormonal changes and the decrease of adrenalin as the crisis resolves, and you are apologizing for sounding whiney? No need!! Sit back, relax and give yourself a pass. Very soon you’ll be home. Very soon you’ll take both kids to the park. You’ll always remember these first many hard days and know how truley blessed you are. Reading/sharing your blog has been a blessing for me as well. You are an inspiration!

  8. gulshan permalink

    Hi. I can’t even imagine how I would deal with a similar situation. I am so happy and grateful that Caroline posts your blog. Your stories touch my heart and a true inspiration. There will always be challenges in our life, but you are dealing with it in such a positive way. I love hearing about Oliver progress and look forward to the day he goes home! Take care and thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so openly. πŸ™‚

  9. Mom of two permalink

    Dear Alex-it’s totally ok to feel that way! We’ve all whined about one thing or another and most of us haven’t even been through anything as scary as what your family had to face. You are not ungrateful, you are only human! πŸ˜‰ And honestly, you really deserve a break, you’ve been so strong for such a long time!
    As for Ollie, he’s so awesome (as usual) and supercute (as usual)! πŸ™‚ Love the smile and love the picture with you and him, it’s beautiful!
    Jovana

  10. You are allowed to whine and feel the way you do, so no need to apologize. 60 days is way too long to wait to bring your baby home and it’s hard to wait even longer. I think every CDH mom has felt the same way, I know I did. Ollie is so very cute and is looking great, I hope home is just on the horizon!! Hang in there mama!

  11. I hear you. It’s just frustrating. Home is so close you can taste it but you feel like you’re standing still! It will end.

  12. You’re not a brat. This part does suck. A lot. And for a long time. I’m hanging in there with you. πŸ™‚

  13. Alex, I do not accept your apology for being whiny…. because you soooo deserve to be whiny. It is true that this part is exhausting and sucky and hard. It is true that the life or death adrenaline is spent and yet you must keep going. And I actually think the expectation that you are to be *only* grateful and happy because he survived, well I think that’s demanding in its own right. You get to be grateful and happy AND whiny. Both.

    Hugs to you. This is hard. And you can do hard things.
    Corinne
    Mama to Samuel, lcdh, Feb1/11

  14. I feel for you and can understand the whininess. I am 12 days in and feel like whining. Today his NICU dr mentioned that in the NICU everything moves fast and the later stages are slow. I thought to myself, this feels so slooooow I cannot imagine the feeding part. A good sleep might help.

  15. Lani permalink

    You are allowed to whine and you aren’t allowed to apologize. You have been through so much and Oliver planned his arrival well so that both his mommy and daddy could be there with him for the “war.” Remember, this time you are spending at the hospital is the tiniest blip on the radar of Ollie’s long life. It seems like a long time now but soon it will be a memory in the past and you’ll have your sweet little boy at home with the rest of his family. We are thinking of you! xox

  16. oonagh permalink

    DUDE. You’ve earned your right to whine! Most new parents whine, and they have totally healthy babies!

    In fact, it’s been a little inconsiderate of you to not whine, as the rest of us want to whine a little and we’re not allowed because you are being so stoic.

    Tell us what you need as you make the transition with Tim going back to school. x

    • Haha. So awesome to point out that NOT whining does a disservice to others. It’s like my request that my friends not clean their house when I come over… it’s a service to self-esteem and connection to let people see how we really live. Thanks for this.
      Corinne

  17. I whined more than this with both my kids and neither were critically ill. Being honest with your feelings and letting them out is the healthiest thing you can do. We all know you have great perspective and are so grateful for all the miracles, it doesn’ t mean it isn’t physically and emotionally and spiritually draining. You are doing an amazing job. Never apologize for how you feel.

  18. Tanya permalink

    60 days in…….what’s a little whine??? Initial adrenaline has to run out at some time, you will recharge yourself and be back in action in no time…..don’t apologize. I for one, LOVE that you are so honest about your feelings….it’s your ‘true sincerity’ shining through and that’s why we all love this blog so much and you all have such a huge cheering section…..hang in sis!!! <–I'm not her sister, just sista!!! lol………and to be honest, I have NEVER seen people turn negatives into positives like you do!!

  19. I learned a very good life lesson a long time ago: this too shall pass.

    It will be over befoe you know it.

    Congratulations on being such a wonderful and loving Mom to your two beautiful children.

  20. Thank you for sharing your feelings with all of us, Alex. We are all your big support group. And as someone said above, most new mothers whine and feel down from time to time, despite the joy. Please let me know if there is anything I or we can do to help you in the next little while.

  21. Don Brown permalink

    Kid- Oliver is an inspiration of determination and the two of you are pillars of strength to all of us.

  22. Hang in there!!! You’re nearly there! Ollie… you’re too darn cute!

  23. God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. – Unknown. Hang in there!!

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