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Me being mopey: July 3, 2012

July 3, 2012

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share this. But I decided I want to be completely honest so I’m going to. I feel much less mopey now. I got to give Oliver a sponge bath which I’ll write about later, but this was how I was feeling this morning:

This is so bizarre. Last time I had a baby she was with me. I held her and snuggled her and held her to my breast. Now I’m sitting in a bathroom sized room attached to a pump while my baby lies paralyzed down the hall surrounded by nurses and doctors fighting just to keep him alive. I’d complain that it all feels so unnatural, but natural would have my baby dead, so I’ll happily take this. It is bizarre though. Sleeping last night was so difficult. I didn’t have my baby squirming in my tummy, I didn’t have him in my room or even down the hall. He was across the street in another hospital being cared for by women who weren’t his mom. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful. Because I couldn’t be more grateful. I know how lucky we are to be receiving this care. And thank God for OHIP. But I wouldn’t wish CDH on my worst enemy. I know I’m just being hormonal and post partum, I know God is working miracles right now through every one of the doctors and nurses caring for Oliver, and every person who came before them that have made this care possible. But I’m still pretty upset with Him. Seeing my baby vibrate on that table, completely paralyzed and not allowed to be cuddled is really hard. I just want to take him home and be his mom.

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7 Comments
  1. I completely hear you. For the past few days I have been crying everyday thinking of this. The fact that I won’t have my bay with me. the husband ever so gently reminds me that, it is okay to not have him next to us, if it means he will be mended and come home with us soon and spend a lifetime next to me. I am telling you the same thing, a small part in a life long journey. Oliver will be with you before you know it.

    Anu

    http://ourcdhherolittlea.wordpress.com/

  2. lyndsey permalink

    Hey , i think i went to high school with you guys… well some other people from thornlea posted your blog and i just read it… as a mummy of a 9 month old premature baby who was as well taken from me to the nicu after birth, i know just how confused your feeling… i curled up in a ball .. hugging what was left of my bump asking where my baby was and why he wasnt with me… it was the scariest time of my life … and you have been through more then i ever could have faced… the doctors used to tell me to take things hour by hour … then day by day … and eventually you will get there. i honestly feel for you and your family… just remember that hes made it this far… you are giving him the streanght and love to go further… Welldone and a huge congrats on your beautiful little man!! xx lyndsey baker (syme))

  3. Rejeanne permalink

    Hi Alex,
    Congratulations to you and Tim and Poppy! I am so glad that he is doing really well…I have been thinking of all of you every day. I hope that you continue to do well. I can’t wait to meet him! He is the sweetest little baby boy…I love his name!

  4. Hormonal, post partum…probably, but most of all a mom wanting to mother her baby and keep him safe…that would make anyone sad. Plus, there are few rooms more depressing than a pumping room even if the end product is liquid gold that will waiting for Oliver when he needs it. Congratulations Wesson family…you are in our prayers.

  5. It’s OK to vent! As CDH mom’s, we learn to never take a “normal” pregnancy for granted. As hard as the NICU experience is, you will learn to truly appreciate all the simple moments, and all the “firsts” that come with being Oliver’s parent. Simple things, like changing a diaper become so significant. My prayers are with your family and especially your son. I hope he shows everyone what a firecracker he is just in time for the 4th! 🙂

  6. Cher permalink

    You have been so unbelievably strong, moping is allowed! Your honesty will be inspirational to any parent going through a heartache like this. Thank you for continuing to blog so that we can all share with others to collect as many positive thoughs for you, Tim, Poppy and Oliver. All my love, sending the biggest virtual hug that can reach you.

  7. Bless your heart. I felt the exact same way after they took my CDH baby to the NICU. And I was so hormonal and emotional once I finally did get to go see her that I couldn’t stop crying. I hope you get to hold and cuddle with Oliver soon. Hang in there!

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