Skip to content

Two weeks left: June 25, 2012

June 25, 2012

There are 13 days left until July 8. 13 days until everything changes forever. We are going to have a very sick baby. Either everything goes great and we get to bring him home and we are limitlessly grateful but forever changed by what we’ve been through, or we don’t. And we will be forever changed. I’m terrified. I know God doesn’t give people more than they can handle. I know we were chosen to be Little Man’s family for a reason. But I don’t know who I’m going to be on the other end of this and that scares me. I don’t know what this will do to my family and the people who love us. I don’t know what this will do to my gorgeous, happy daughter. And worst of all, I don’t know what this will do to my son. Who I love so so so much and already can’t live without.

This is not what I signed up for when we decided Poppy should have a sibling. We were going to get pregnant, have a baby, and bring the baby home. Poppy would be jealous but she’d get used to it. She’d learn how to share and she’d love her sibling so much. Our big worries would include: having children with such close birthdays, how to decide which kid gets which room, and how early is too early to take a newborn to the splash pad so Poppy can enjoy her summer. Now our big worries are actually big. And I miss those old ones.

We had Poppy’s second birthday party this weekend. It was so amazing. We decided we weren’t going to skip it because this poor kid is going to have a pretty rough summer with Mommy & Daddy at the hospital all the time. But 38 weeks pregnant seemed like the farthest along I could reasonably plan to have people over. Luckily we have amazing people in our lives who came early to set up, brought food over & stayed late to clean up. It actually wouldn’t have happened without them. We are so lucky. Poppy had the time of her life & I loved watching her be that happy. But it was hard knowing that it was probably the last time we’d all just be happy for a while.

20120627-070746.jpg

In case you hadn’t gathered, I’m scared. I’m scared for us, of course, but I’m more scared for our children. Yes, they’re young and resilient and neither of them will remember. But what kind of mom am I going to be after this? Can I continue to let my 2 year old fall over and cheer for her rather than run to her side? Will I be able to let Little Man eat sausages the way I’ve done with Poppy. Being a “free-range” parent is a conscious choice I’ve made and I love the kind of kid Poppy is. Will I be able to be the same mom to Little Man? Will I be able to be the same mom to Poppy? Will I be able to take Poppy to the park and laugh at her silly jokes while Little Man lies in the NICU? Because realistically, we want to not completely ignore her while we spend time at the hospital. How is this going to work? How are we going to get through it? How am I going to watch my baby be taken away from me right after he’s born? To go from constantly feeling him, rubbing his little bum that he’s always sticking out, to being in a completely separate building than him? How am I going to do any of this?

As a pregnant woman, I’m ready to deliver. As a scared mom, I never want him to come out. As the complete person made up of these two halves, I think I’d like to just get started on this battle so we can win and I can bring my baby home. I’d like it to be July already. At the doctor today, everything is still normal. Which means we’ll probably be pregnant a while longer. Which means we keep waiting, scared

Advertisements

From → Uncategorized

13 Comments
  1. Valerie permalink

    Feeling the same way, pressing everyday to make it two more weeks. My prayers for you and yours are constant, hang in there.

    -Val
    blairecdhstory.blogspot.com

  2. Raizee permalink

    Alex, no matter what kind of mom you are or become you will ALWAYS be the best mom.

    You are the best mom to Poppy because you allow her to be herself and enjoy life. You love her endlessly good and bad. That’s what makes you the best mom for Poppy.

    You are the best mom to little man because you already love him to the moon and back. You have that motherly protective instinct and want nothing but the best for him. This is what makes you the best mom to little man.

    Any child would be lucky to have you and your beautiful children are examples of that!

  3. Sarah permalink

    Oh, Alex. I can’t even imagine. You are such an amazing Mom. I hope and pray that you will get to bring your beautiful baby boy home. You are in my thoughts all the time. xo

  4. Rejeanne permalink

    Alex, You are such an amazing person…I know that you and your family will be able to do this…you always find a way to make things good…that is your special trait.

  5. My Dearest Alex,

    I can only begin to imagine the feelings of hope, fear, love and helplessness you must be feeling. I’ve never been there, but I know you, and you are a shining light of love and positive energy. Yes little man might be in the NICU, but he’s been in a little NICU being cared for by you for the last nine months. He’s grown stronger, and healthier everyday you have cared for him and shown him love. A mom can only keep her children truly safe for so long, and she has to let them go to use their own strength bit by bit.

    Little man is coming into this world with some challenges, but he is surrounded by some of the strongest and most loving parents he could ever ask for. You will be the mom he needs you to be, this i know. You will make mistakes, you will question things, but you will be amazing and the best mom both poppy and little man need. Poppy will know that you love her, and you will show her everyday what kind of mom she will want to grow up to be like. You will do all the things you need to do and you will show both of these children what the strength of family means. You and Tim are amazing together and Poppy will keep that bright nature, she will just learn how to protect and love her little brother.

    This will make your family stronger.

    God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle, but he also makes sure that we have the people there to help us get through us.

    When you are worried and you have doubts or fears, when you don’t know if you can do this, just remember this…

    Each and every person in your life believes in you. I believe in you. 🙂

    And we are all here for those days you need to cry, to talk, to just get a hug or to be reminded that while things will be tough, the light inside of you will shine brightly, the same light that I know that little man carries.

    You will get through this and you and your family will be stronger with love and connection because of this.

    We all love you and are supporting you throughout this.

    ❤ Cam

  6. Lani permalink

    I’m wishing you guys strength over the coming weeks. You are an amazing mom and I hope that you get to bring your little boy home so that he can grow strong and start fighting with his sister. Hugs!

  7. I think this journey is very had for all parents and for parents like us who already have kids it makes it so much harder as we are torn apart between our children and feel guilty either way. You are an excellent mom and will be to your little fighter who is going to come into this world and kick CDH’s butt. He will be here and soon in your arms before you know. I am rooting for you.

    Anu
    http://ourcdhherolittlea.wordpress.com/

  8. Zia Maria permalink

    If anyone I know can get through this it’s you and your incredible little family.
    I have all the faith in the world that Little Man will bring out strength in you, you didn’t even know existed.
    Just as much as you fight for him, he’ll be fighting for you.
    I love you Alex and every single ounce of love and positive energy I have is all being sent your way.

  9. Susn Kwolek permalink

    Alex I am thinking of you and little man Sending you a big hug everyday! You are a wonderful mom
    Susan Kwolek

  10. Paula permalink

    Quote from the FB site of another CDH mom…made me think of you…

    And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about. – Haruki Murakami

    Praying for your family.

  11. Debbie permalink

    Alex,
    I don’t even know what to type here. I wish I could just sit quietly beside you and you would know that your friends love and support you and that you will not have to walk through this alone.

  12. Aunt Diane permalink

    Little man’s body may try to fail him but it is his soul that will keep him going. You have been nuturing that for nine months now with your love for him, for Poppy and for Tim. He can feel it. You are the strongest woman I know. While we are so scared for you, we are profoundly proud of you.

  13. Thinking of you and your family. It is all so overwhelming right now, but you will figure it out. Make sure to ask for and accept help wherever you need it and know that you are a wonderful mother to both of your babies and there is no doubt that they know that.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: