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One Month Left: June 8, 2012

June 8, 2012

Little Man is officially due exactly one month from today! I am SOOO excited to meet the amazing little person inside me. I am already so desperately in love with him. All his little squirms and kicks and punches, they’re these beautiful nudges from my little man telling me he’s here, he’s strong, and he’s gonna be tough. He’s going to fight as hard as he can. Sometimes they make me cry but I love every one of them.

As far as my pregnancy goes, everything is still totally normal. He’s 5lb 10oz as of Wednesday, but these guesses are notoriously off and his results are skewed by his body builders physique (abdominal circumference is one of the three measurements used in the formula and his little tummy is tiny thanks to it’s lack of organs). But he’s sticking tightly to his 50th percentile curve which is excellent news. Amniotic fluid is still normal. My weight and blood pressure are still normal. Everything we can control or even have a hand in is completely normal. Two weeks ago the patient care coordinator asked me how things were going. I smiled and said “Great! Everything’s totally normal!”. She looked at me like I’d completely lost my mind. I had to clarify that I was aware that the giant hole in his diaphragm is still there but everything we have any say in is normal. She stopped writing the psych referral.

We talked with Dr. Seward about induction and decided we won’t do it. His big concern is having a failed induction which would result in a C-Section. Obviously I don’t care at all if I have to have one, but it’s better for babies to be born the traditional way because it forces the fluid out of their lungs and makes breathing a little bit easier on them. Doesn’t matter so much with a regular baby but our baby is special 😉 It’s less likely that the induction will fail in a second baby but its not worth the risk apparently. TMI alert: they’ll check my cervix at 38 weeks and if I’m looking ready we might re-address it but for now we’re just going to wait and see.

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Now that I’m officially 9 months pregnant it’s pretty obvious to every one who sees me. Lovely, well intentioned strangers are no longer afraid I’m just fat and bring it up all the time. It is always with the absolute best intentions, things like asking Poppy about her impending big sisterdom or laughing to me about how I don’t even know how hard it’s about to get. It can be a tricky situation. I don’t want to explain it to every person I meet so we just smile, laugh along and pretend everything’s normal. But it can hurt. Poppy knows there’s a baby in Mommy’s tummy and when she snuggles it and kisses it, sometimes it’s a little hard on us. I know he absolutely has a shot at coming home and being her brother and loving her right back, but it’s hard to stay focused on that sometimes.

A very good friend just recently lost her baby at 20 weeks and it reminded me that we are, after all, lucky. Yes, we only got given a 50% chance of bringing our baby home at our 18 week scan, but they get zero. So when I get upset and want to sink in to it I remind myself of that. I see how strong she is and how her gorgeous toddler is helping her get through it and I know that we can do this.

As I get to the end it’s fun to complain with other preggos about all the aches and pains, but I can’t REALLY get all the way in to it. Because even when my heartburn is so bad that I’m throwing up bile, which happens, I’m grateful for it. This is my time with my Little Man and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s a lot different than my first pregnancy. At this point I was desperate for her to get out of me so I could just stop being pregnant. But I know the end of this pregnancy is the beginning of something much harder and I’m not ready yet. Right now I’m the one in pain, I’m the one who has to “suffer”. But when my physical pain ends, my son’s has to begin. And I just don’t want to let that happen. I know that the sooner it starts the sooner it can end, and he can be fine, and this problem can be solved, but for now I’m not ready to let Little Man be the uncomfortable one.

We are so incredibly grateful to everyone who is following our journey with us. We can’t believe how blessed we are to have so many people caring about our family. We feel overwhelmed with all the love. It’s times like this when you can really see the quality of the people you’ve chosen to surround yourself with and we know now for a fact that we’ve chosen wisely. We appreciate you all so much and know every little prayer, thought and piece of good mojo is making a major difference. Thank you so much. I’ll post another update soon, sorry it’s been so long. I thought I had nothing to say but judging by the length of this I was wrong.

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7 Comments
  1. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I remember these exact feelings all too well. With my first pregnancy, I whined about all the things that I ‘hated.’ With Finley, not knowing if she was going to survive, I cherished each moment she was inside of me. It was such a different pregnancy. I will be praying for you guys. For him to stay put as long as possible so that he will be big and strong and ready to kick some CDH butt when he is born. For peace and calm for you. For you to be able to sleep soundly each night and not worry.

    Enjoy each moment – take some extra time with your little girl, because it will be hard on you when you are away from her while in the NICU (but they are so resilient and Rowan did great. She was so spoiled by grandparents – she never really even missed me). It is the hardest on you being torn in half, but I knew in my heart that Finley needed me more and that was where I had to be. I would try to go home most days to get a couple of hours with Rowan – but there is no getting around that there is only one of you.

    Sending love and prayers from Oregon,

    Liz

  2. Cindy permalink

    I heard about your blog from a friend who is on your Baby Center birth board. My daughter was born with CDH and just celebrated her 5th birthday today and is doing well, so there is hope! Hang in there, I know how stressful these last months of pregnancy/worry are.

    http://babyclaire07.blogspot.com/

  3. Paula permalink

    Alex, I can’t imagine the worry and stress you are going through as delivery day approaches (my CDHer was not diagnosed til birth), but it is wonderful that you are focusing on the positives of the time he is growing inside of you…pregnancy is such a miracle and sometimes we are too focused on the birth and time afterwards that we forget to appreciate that miracle. My son was treated at Sick Kids and I am sure people will tell you over and over again that “he is in the best possible place” and there were times that I wanted to scream “no the best possible place would be healthy and home with us”, but in retrospect I know people just meant he is getting the best possible care and best chance for recovery…and it is so true. Praying for your family!

  4. Caroline permalink

    Alex, I found your blog through the BabyCenter board, and I just wanted to reach out to you. My son was born just over a week ago, June 1st, and we got a very surprise diagnosis of R-CDH 30 minutes after delivery. I’m not sure what would be better…knowing or not knowing. My little guy is fighting hard. He had the operation on Tuesday (3 days after being born) and he did well. His hernia was less a hernia than a piece of his diaphgram missing, so the patch they put in was very large but they told us his lung was at 50%, and the other organs were unaffected, so we have a lot of hope. It’s excrutiating to watch your baby on a ventilator and not be able help, but you seem to be a very positive person, so you’ll just need to carry that through the ups and downs of this diagnosis. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and keep focusing on the positive.

    Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way,
    Caroline (fellow Canadian living in the US)

  5. Rejeanne permalink

    Alex, You continue to be an inspiration. I am keeping Little Man in my prayers. I know that he is going to be a fighter. I can’t wait to meet him! Rejeanne

  6. Your post brings back all the feelings I am going through, esp the part about the big sister being so excited. My son hugs, kisses the baby and talks everyday about playing with the little one and some days my heart just breaks. So glad to know all is well, hang in there. I think telling everyone, all is good, is such a positive attitude and I do the same.

  7. i just read this post and that is EXACTLY how i feel im only 5 months and ppl can tell im prego and say ohh congrats and i just smile… its hard i have a 2 year old son to. and before i found this all out i wanted my little man out so bad so i could see him and hold him.. now i just want time to stand so still!!!!

    and i keep worrying how am i supposed to be in so many different places at one time cause i got my little bryan too.. just so many things are running through my head

    i live in phx az and i am right the news station to see if they will put something on there show about CDH awareness. or if they can help me start a walk here in phx cuz looking up stuff i havent seen that there has been awalk or anything for it here

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